gifperv:

the sweetest dessert

Heres an update.. Still want to die. How funny that i post things on here specifically because it wont be noticed

I hate going to sleep on any given night and have you invade my dreams. I hate that my love for you Created an unreal person. Made you and your lies out to be exactly what i wanted and needed. Goodnight 0 followers… im alone here… Funnny how i can express my thoughts here with no one lisstening… And in reality its the same thing. No matter how many girls come along.. I always seem to be unheard. I dont understand this life. Fuck it. Goodnight. You deserve peace of mind

Do you ever wonder how humans can spit venom? I do. You invade my mind like poison. You give me a death glare. Knowing you’ve already killed me. Knowing i dont have the speed to dodge you. Nor do i have the will power. Once our eyes met my fate was sealed. Once my guard came down, my doors opened, and my arms reached out to hold and protect you… My death awaited. You allowed me to hold you. Protect you. Love you. Only to open your jaw wide to bite into my heart and leave your mark. How? How can you choose to spit venom so easily?.. How can i be wrong again… How is it that i stand alone… How is it that humans can spit venom? Slither their way into my life only to slither out while i gasp for air… While i fall apart, you just keep your stone cold face. Your eyes… Powerful enough to make hell freeze over. Am i human? Because i dont have this venom that you do… And it seems as though i am the only one who doesnt have this reserve ready to be unleashed on the innocent… not only do you not retract your venom… You find it so easy to bite down and rip the life out of me, knowing that i was gaurding you before you began your attack. Knowing i would take a bullet for you.. You put a gun to my head. Am i human? Because i worshiped superheroes.. Great men. Selfless people… I am who i want to be. You say you worship the same people.. MLK, jesus, superman.. The brave person in the movie who goes back for their dying friend or lover despite the killer or monsters that await… I choose to be like these ppl. You choose to put a gun to my head. You choose to spit your venom. I dont have this venom. Yet you do. Am i human? Because i dont understand humans

It breaks my heart that these connections have been lost. Broken like glass… And seemingly just as hard to fix. I wonder why it happens. Not that i don’t know how people are. Not that i dont understand that it will more than likely continue. But i dont understand how it is i am so different from all those i’ve seen. Why is it that i can grow and become so strong when others believe i might kill myself? Why is it when i correct the flaws i see and others see in me, i can still see the flaws in the critics? Why is it that i can change and my world seems so unmoved? Why is it that i can show my improvements and my peers cant seem to change perceptions and see reality? I wonder how it is that others can look up to me so often…. And yet i am always on the chopping block. I wonder how many ppl say they want to be like the person that i am on paper. And i wonder how many of them actively try to be it. Every moment. I am not perfect and i shall never be. And yet i strive for it. When i get cut off by someone on the freeway i immediately think or say “hey what the fuck? Fucking asshole..” but i stop myself within seconds after completing my “statement” and i think about how i dont know why they did that. I dont know why they seem to be in a rush. If he or she is a good person who just got a little careless for a second. Or if its a person with high anxiety who is having a terrible day or terrible moment while driving and made a mistake because of it. When i look at other people i believe there is good in them. Even if it is burried. When i walk i can keep my head up now and i smile at the ppl i walk by. And when a short mexican teenager roughly my age walked up to me yesterday and asked if i had a phone, i let him use mine and have a short conversation. I didnt lie. When a young black male roughly 20 years old asked me if i had change i stopped and gave him a few dollars. Because i knew i would survive without it, but i didnt want to have to rely on others not judging him and being willing to stop and give him some money for the train back to san diego. These are not the tallest tasks. And yet i do them and see no one else do them.. Why is that? Because you are shy? It is awkward? That is a valid excuse not to help out your fellow brothers and sisters? No it isnt. Why is it that i am on the chopping block? Because you don’t understand that i am real despite others being fake. I am a living and breathing embodyment of who i admire. Who i aspire to be… I am. And i actively seek out situations that will allow me to help others like i want to and feel is my duty to. I am not saying i am a saint. Im saying i try to be who i want to be and who i think we should all be. And i didnt set my standards to high. Is three dollars worthy of praise? No. Not by my standards. But im the only one who stopped for him… Its not about being a saint. Its about doing whats right. And i seem to be in a position that is not right, on countless occassions. People by nature want to preserve their well being. They want to help themselves be happy and stay alive. Even depressed people do it. They put up their guards so that they cant be hurt as easily and they can protect whatever small amount of happiness they have left. I heard just two days ago someone say what we all have probably thought at one moment or another.. “When will something go wrong? This is to good to be true. This cant be.” she said that this is what she thinks in a relationship that is going very well. With no fights. No major problems or even any minor issues that would bother someone for more than a few minutes. She thinks of what will happen to ruin it… Break her bubble. This self defeating way of thinking may not be the exact thing that dismembers the greatness of a care free relationship. But it contributes to it. It may have set things in motion for the bubble to be popped. To think that someone cant be genuinely that good… Its this self defeating thinking that creates more chaos. There are enough variables in this world as is… Dont try to make someone who proves their greatness out to be another… Or seem like the rest. Dont try to make that person out to be average or “just like the others” because it only adds to them feeling misunderstood… We live in a society that constantly kicks others down. We are playing king of the hill rather than batman and superman. I am on the chopping block often because others cant see my existence as possible. So they kick me out before i prove them right. At my slightest faulter they think i have set off an atom bomb. We must stop doing these things. We must start living and valuing people for who they are. Yes, some people will hurt you. And if they are bad people, exclude them from your life. No matter what the position or title they have in your life. Whether it be friend, mother, brother, teacher, or tax collector… If they are good people let them in. Except what you see. And if they arent… That is them. Not everyone. You must keep an open heart in order to see why someone would die for others. You must keep an open heart to see why having an open heart is worth it. Its a leap of faith that we all must make. And if you hit the ground hard, get up and prepare for your next leap. It will be worth it. And you will see what you are looking for does exist. I exist. I am who i want to be. And you can be who you want to be right now. Immediately. No building process. Just be that person. And you will see others are good too. We all want to be great people. But its the fear in our minds that keep us from being them. Its the fear of being stepped on. You can only be stepped on if you allow yourself to be. And you will only step on others if you intend to. Look at life. Get what you want out of it. And understand that just like how the world has people who are unbelieveably cruel… The world has people who are amazing and strive to be like jesus, gandhi, budda, and dr martin luther king jr…. And are like them already. Just because you are always trying to be great and amazing, doesnt mean you arent already. It just means you make an active effort to continue to be great. Look for the beauty of the world and you will see it. Watch out for the dark spots and pot holes, and you will surely see them. But you will not avoid them all. And you will miss the great people smiling at you and offering a warm embrase while you keep your head down.

At what point do words become meaningless? At what point do you stop believing and start watching and scratching at each little thing someone says? At what point is it ok to put up a wall? A line of defense that only you have control over. To dictate who is allowed in and who cant be trusted.. At what point is that ok? To have your gaurd up knowing it could shy away those who would have been so good to you.. To no longer hear the words people say, but instead mark them as a patient to be experimented on and analyzed.

I can feel myself crying inside. My mind hugging my heart like a bear protecting its cub. I feel heart and soul dying to be craddled and told that im loved and its alright. Dying to feel the worlds loving embrace.. But my body and mind are ready for the order. Ready to put up walls that cant be broken. A fortress that god himself would need to prove worthy of entrance. Walls that would be perfect and require the perfect person for any key. A person who never waists words. Never stepped away or even looked away from my fortresses great gates. Someone who i’ve dreamed of for so long. At what point is it RIGHT for me to put up these walls? Because that isnt what i think is right. But so many prove that i should have.

Waisted words have fallen my ears and heart so many times. When do i allow my heart to stop hearing “i love you” and start raising a bronze sheild that countless arrows have no chance of penetrating? I ask because its not right to close your heart to the world.. I have always tried to help this world and that is who i am. Yet constantly im tossed away like a used piece of tissue whos existence was once so welcome…. and is now seen as a burden waiting to be thrown into the trash. I leave my heart open and yet im constantly someones lab rat ready to be experimented on. My soul met with pointed spears ready to pierce my heart and continue on, only to be staked to the ground. And yet i stayed after 8. I stayed and looked at the greatest tower i had ever seen. Waited at the front gate. Though they mocked and laughed at me i waited to see what was inside. Though they thought my lives were used up.. I stayed like loyal cat.. though so many hearts were already missing and crushed b4 they could ever feel warm new love. I waited. Though the nightmare of losing my last life remained i waited… I got through the first gate. Only to be met by another. And another. And another. I waited for them to open up. Then it was settled. I would tear down what billions of others could not collectively do. I would show her my love and its great stregnth. And no matter how my mind and body fought to crawl in a bunker while bombs of hatred fell i fought on knowing the timer was close to zero. And when i got through… When i finally got to the front door.. Ready to be open. The bombs fell. The world came crashing down and those who previously tried and failed to make it through the walls before me, were now sheilding the front door. And as i looked.. Waiting to be fought for.. Waiting for a sign that all my efforts were not waisted.. I was met with my love walking up with those before me.. And passing around stone to rebuild what i had rightfully destroyed. I was met with my heart being handed back to me in the same case i gave it to her in. Like it had never been excepted. Like taking it ment nothing in return.

At what point do i allow my mind build those great towers and walls? So often i have heard people say “i know your a great guy and wouldnt hurt me” and so often… So often has that ment “i know you wouldnt hurt me. And if i hurt you, atleast i know you wont lash out against me.. You’ll believe that i didnt mean to hurt you. You will believe that im not this bitch that has through her own actions proved to be the real me. You will deny it with all of your heart. Except me for me. And continue to be a great guy despite your tears and bleeding.” so often have i heard these words so easily said, like a bullet through butter. Yet i keep my heart out of its box. Waiting for the right ones heart to be given to me… Waiting so that i can give my heart away once more.

I had more love in my empty shell than any other person that i have ever met. And even still do even with my bruised and bleeding heart. Its sad to see that your words mean nothing. Sad to see that you cant say that you just want my little bit of money, or my sweet and honest compliments, or for me to pleasure you so that you can imagine im YOUR perfect prince… So sad that you cant realize im here with my pick axe of determination.. Breaking down what others shy away from.. So sad that you cant give back to me the love that i show you. So sad that you cant realize that there is a reason why i succeeded where others failed. So so disappointing to see that after my love proved to be stronger than your own families… You can shrug off my great war like nothing. And its sad that even after what you did.. You are still the person who has treated me best… You are not a bad person. But you have proven to only be a slight variation of every other girl and person who doesnt see my worth or true colors.

I cant wall myself in. Despite all of those fake girl’s lies or “misunderstood” words… I will fight to make sure that i find the good ppl in this world. The ones who will at the very least let me be.. Rather than spit on me with whispers of “to good to be true.”

Despite my constant blood loss and tears.. For some reason my last heart remains.. Despite its greatest task and acheivement being declared pointless. My heart remains in this shell. And i keep my head out. Looking for the one who will not see my efforts fade away with no worthy recollection.. No worthy praise… With no love. Sometimes people say the wrong things. Sometimes people dont say i love you. They say i will tolerate you while it benefits me. But i love this world. And just like how the earth keeps providing life despite being treated like trash… I will continue to look and fight for the good.

And you damn sure can mark my words.